May 25th, 2024
A Cursed Month
I really hate June. Every June, countless problems arise. I fall into depression and develop addictions, leading to a cursed rest of the year. In the past, it was drinking problems, political obsessions, inappropriate videos, then gaming, and overeating. Additionally, June is my cursed birthday month. I was born on June 21st, the cusp of Gemini and Cancer, but due to errors in my birth records, my birthday was incorrectly recorded as June 12th—not just the date but also the year. Furthermore, I have been through political limbo and endless social bureaucracies. As a result, I can never get my birth record corrected nor live as “myself.” Thus, as a person with a clandestine birth, clandestine life, and clandestine love, I can only live in my own fantasy and continue another day. Long story short, I really hate this cursed month. There is nothing to celebrate. I’m now experiencing pre-June anxiety.
A New Beginning
This year, I’ve decided to change my zodiac from a broken Gemini to Aries, taking advantage of March 24th, 2024—Palm Sunday, Full Moon! From now on, March 24th will be the most important day of my life. It symbolizes my transformation, and I will overcome the fear of June. Every March to June will now mark my journey of self-reformation. More importantly, I have revived an old, ambitious idea: the creation of BahnMus, an intelligence system I have been designing for so long.
Embracing Change
Starting May 25th, 2024, I will undergo significant changes and make more plans to adapt to a new life. This year, I have a lot on my mind. Things haven’t been going well; I’ve started to hate my current lifestyle. As a Welfare Khan, I’ve been undermined by many social bureaucrats. I must find a way out of this. In my long journey of fighting hedonism, this will be my turning point. I shall succeed. I will become a dedicated workaholic, devoting most of my time to creating new projects. I hope God can help me on this journey.
My Journey Continues
Below is the continued testimony of my bitter journey. May God help me.
Old blogs about fighting hedonism:
1) Life Reform
2) TheoTechnocratic Future
3) Spiritual Renewal
Logs:
Consequences of lusts:
bad Relationship
hospitalisation
homelessness
poor eyesight
fatigue
08/29/2015~12/22/2015 empty stomach,low motivation,bad luck
05/28/2016 bad grades, tooth problems, Money issue
10/2016 plans delayed, over slept, missing classes, guilt, lack of energy
11/5~11/8 2016 missing schools, tooth pain, sickness, low achievement
2016~2021 credit card issues more than 3 times
03~07 2020 stock loses, unemployment, sleeping disorder
02/2021 YouTube issue
03/2021 bad grades, attendances
2019 water pipe leaking 06/2020 liability bill 06/2021 liability bill
06/2021 unemployment letter job refusal responses
06/14/2021 liability bill negotiation
07/14~08/14 doubts, water bill settlements, money issue
08/14~08/21 low motivations, sleeping disorder, unproductive, full moon hurricane
08/26~08/28 felt exhausted, scam shipping text, missing dental appointment, delusional passengers on the train, music major delays, changing courses, sleeping disorder, stay overnight, woke up at 5:30 pm, overspending on food
09/01 missing classes, slept until 4 pm, sedation surgery insurance denied
09/02~09/03 missing classes, woke up at 10 pm, depression, back pain, fainted, bad eyesight, TV drama addictions, wasted money on food, overslept
09/04~09/11 burned by lusts
11/19~ 11/27 uncertainty, restlessness, tiresome, depressions, sorrows, drinking,
overslept, low productivity
01/01/2022~10/28/2022 Benefits from less hedonistic lifestyle, get in music program, more productive in art and music; whereas tiredness, doubts, depressions, setbacks, financial disruptions whenever hedonistic thoughts arise
(Hedonistic past, restrained hedonistic lifestyle from 2015~2020)
(New plan, hedonistic once every 2 weeks since 2020)
(Full celibacy scheduled from 12/18/2021 but failed)
(Renewal of new celibacy plan from 10/29/2022)
(Uncertainty of home fixing, business credit card, SSA issue, tooth, 11/05/2022)
11/19/2022 doubts, unproductive, procrastination, depression, but under control
11/26/2022 ~ 11/27/2022 unproductive, low motivation, depression
12/03/2022 unproductive, sleeping disorder, bad online social engagements waste money on food, low motivation
12/07/2022~12/10/2022 unproductive, window issues, smoke detectors issues, potential lawsuit
12/15/2022~12/18/2022 rainy, delayed fixing, heater problem, window fixing debate, benefit deduction, overslept, lack of reviewing for final exam
12/22~12/24/2022 delayed dental surgery, window issue, liability issue, heater issue
01/04~01/07/2023 financial aid, window issues, drinking, wasteful on food, exhaustion, window bills, anxiety, depressions
01/20~01/23/2023 overspending on food, window issues, financial aid issues
01/25~01/28/2023 overspending on food, oversleeping, anxiety, financial issues
02/04~02/11/2023 exhaustion, financial crisis, oversleeping, music listing issues, fatigue, pain around eyes, unproductive, credit card bills, financial aid, heat censor issue, sleeping disorder
02/18/2023 tooth issues, fatigue, oversleeping, overspending on food, lack of motivations, unproductive, jury serving conflict, window issues
02/25/2023 unstable, oversleeping, on the edge of addiction, uncertainty, overspending on food, unproductive
03/04/2023 dropping class, life crisis, low motivation, depressions, financial issues, overspending on food, oversleeping, room spinning, poor vision, most corrupted week of the year, web breaks, unproductive, failed window negotiations, doing bad on quiz
03/11/2023 low motivation, overspending on food, overeating, addicted to a game, spent 300$ on game then quit again twice during the weekends, bad relationship with housing board, window problem unsolved, ad manager disapproved, fatigue
03/18/2023 sleeping paralysis, financial problems, window issues, overspending on food, hookup temptation, low achievement
03/25/2023 sleeping disorder, overspending on game, financial issues, window issues, low motivation, extreme thoughts
04/01/2023 bad financial crisis, addicted to game, low achievement, potential lawsuit fees against HOA, sleeping disorder, pain around the eyes, fatigue, sleep during the day
04/08/2023 fatigue, window issue unsolved, financial issue, feeling sick, low motivation, bad eyesight, oversleeping, skin rash, sad dreams, eye pains
04/22/2023 oversleeping, nightmares, financial crisis, overspending on food, gaming addiction, dark fantasies, delusional
04/29/2023 impure video addiction, fatigue, poor eyesight, overspending on food, overspending on game, meeting rude people on the train may due to bad karma, unproductive, serious financial crisis, missing classes, sleeping disorder, tooth problems, credit cards over thousands, window leak issues still unsolved, all project delayed, erased game again to overcome gaming addiction, overspending on another game, repeated spending erasing games, got fraud withhold from iTunes store, ceiling damage from the rains
05/06/2023 credit card bills, plan postponed, gaming addiction, good fortune delayed, sleeping disorder, unproductive, drinking problem, fatigue, wasting money on food, wasting money on games, back pain, sleep paralysis, oversleeping
05/13/2023 financial issues, sleeping disorder, headache, fatigue, project delayed, fear, lack of motivations, didn’t finish assignments
05/20/2023 financial issues, food shortage, overspending on food, poor health, got denied by all programs, low motivations, pain around eyes, fatigue
05/27/2023 overspending on food, break food plan, high credit card bills, metro card broken, music distribution delayed, project delayed, piano audition postponed, low motivation, unproductive, oversleeping, additional assignment,
hard to breath, anxiety, eating bad food, being wasteful, fatigue, headache, poor eyesight
06/03/2023 Financial aid trouble, high bills, jury duty, fatigue, sleeping disorder, depressive dreams, headache, pain around the eyes, met ugly paranoid feminist on the train, metro card demagnetised again, overspending on food, overspending on game, impure video addiction, unstable thoughts, regret and repentance, fear of setbacks, unproductive
06/10/2023 Bursa collection, financial troubles, fatigue, low moral fantasies, unstable, oversleeping, headache, overspending on food, overspending on game, music upload failed
06/17/2023 Music delay, sleep until 4pm, sleeping disorder, fatigue, pain around the eyes, ate bad food, metro card problem, low motivation, got wrong food, overspending on food, wrong bus station, bad socialisations, nearly wasted a whole month doing nothing
06/24/2023 sleeping disorder, bill issue, high credit card bills, fatigue, prostrate pain, low motivation, low achievement
07/01/2023 wrong assignment bill, high credit card bill, tuition debts, anxiety, sleeping disorder
07/08/2023 wrong bill, financial aid issue, unstable, wasting money on food, anxiety, debts
07/15/2023 sleeping disorder watching Harry Potter, wasted whole month doing nothing, wasting money on food, debts, social anxiety, fatigue, wasting too much time on politics, wasting money on gaming, insurance filling delay, oversleeping
07/16~09/02/2023 stable but edging a lot, cannot concentrate when horny, flirting a lot, watching too much impure videos, sleeping disorder, financial issue, eating disorder
09/09/2023 unproductive, financial crisis, sleeping disorder
09/16/2023 fatigue, sleeping disorder, missing school, huge student loans, financial issues, overspending on food, depression, oversleeping
09/23/2023 fatigue, oversleeping, unproductive, lack of energy, poor eyesight, tooth issues, flavourless
10/07/2023 oversleeping, eye pain, fatigue, headache, low achievement, uncertainty, piano class issue, exhaustion, eyesight problem, pain around eyes, depressions, music stream issue, fear, breath problem
10/14/2023 slept till 6 pm, fatigue, guilt, unproductive, uncertainty
11/04/2023 bad grades, tooth pains, depression, water issues, financial crisis, social interaction issues
11/11/2023 sleeping disorder, eye pains, fatigue, overspending on food, bad relationship with professor, anxiety, anger, making bad plans, communication problems, missing class, delayed on quiz
11/25~11/27/2023 metro card demagnetised, financial issue, insurance issue, depression, anger, uncertainty, bad relation with professor, sleeping issue, tooth issue, fear, paranoia
12/02/2023 procrastinating, bad grades, bad planing, eye fatigue, sleeping disorder, overspending on food, financial crisis, project delays
12/09/2023 metro card demagnetised twice, financial crisis, sleeping disorder, eye pain, headache, instability, plan delayed, toothache, no heat, sleeping during the day, depression, slept till 4 pm
12/23/2023 overspending on food, insurance denied, financial crisis, sleeping the whole day, music issues, unproductive, procrastination, fear, anxiety, depressions, eye pain, headaches, uncertainty
12/30/2023 financial crisis, sleeping disorder, hedonistic, mood issues, unproductive, anxiety, music issues, impure video addiction, lack of motivation, almost addicted to games
01/06/2024 argument with mom online, sleeping disorder, impure video addiction, overspending on food, financial crisis, unproductive, tooth issues, window bills, anxiety
01/12/2024 sleeping disorder, financial crisis, Visa crisis for mom, overspending on food, frustrations, impure video addictions, tooth issues, anxiety
01/20/2024 fatigue, overspending on food, oversleeping, tooth issues, financial issues
01/27/2024 oversleeping, overspending on food, financial crisis, unproductive, depression, argument with mom online, tooth issues, lack of motivations, sleeping disorders, anxiety, music issues, website issues
02/24/2024 sleeping disorder, unproductive, eyesight issues, coughing and sickness, financial issues, missing classes, missing assignments, cold sores, upper gum pain
03/02/2024 sleeping disorder, sickness, tooth pain, missing assignments, projects delay, eye pain, lost appetite, fatigue, coughing, financial issues, mom health issues, family issues, college direction, spent on gaming, homework delayed, new HOA assignments
03/16/2024 Homework delayed, project delayed, lack of motivation, financial problems, window issues, conflicts in school, failed midterm exam, coughing, music delay, food shortage
03/23/2024 overspending on food, toothache, tongue sore, sleeping disorder, doing bad on all midterms, missing homework, music delayed, missing project, anxiety, eyesight problems, fatigue, lack of motivation, confrontational and raising thoughts, window issue, extra housing bills, tongue pain, difficult eating
04/27/2024 drinking, project delayed, overspending on food, social security call, website issues, homework delays, poor coding interview, sleeping issues, drinking, eye pain
05/04/2024 missing assignments, depressions, tooth gum pain, eye pain, lack of motivation, project behind, financial issues, social security interview, paranoia, sleeping issues, sleeping during afternoon, eye strains, headache, hard to breath, sad dreams, overspending on food, insomnia, depressions
05/18/2024 uncertainty in social security bill, mom got eye issues, depression, sleeping disorder, financial issues, scholarship disappeared, project delayed, homework delayed, plan delayed, addicted to impure videos, poor eyesight, fears, anxiety, breathing issues, poor performance for classes and assignments,
overspending on food, metro card demagnetised, procrastination, insomnia till 11 am then woke up at 8pm, bug bite, headache, poor eyesight, delayed hw, nearly failed in final, website issues, sleep till afternoon
05/25/2024 headache, overspending on food, didn’t finish hw, anxiety, headache, uncertainty, slept till 4 pm, social security bill issue, tooth pain, spent too much on food
Sinful days: 02/19/2020 02/21/2020 08/01/2020 09/04/2020
10/01/2020 10/18/2020 11/10/2020 11/28/2020 12/28/2020 01/14/2021 02/02/2021 02/03/2021 02/05/2021 04/05/2021 04/16/2021 04/21/2021 04/23/2021 04/26/2021 05/30/2021 06/01/2021 06/06/2021 06/14/2021
06/19/2021 07/07/2021 07/14/2021 08/14/2021 08/21/2021 08/28/2021 09/04/2021 09/11/2021 11/19/2021 11/24/2021 11/25/2021 11/26/2021 11/27/2021 12/11/2021 12/18/2021 01/01/2022 01/08/2022 … many…
10/08/2022 10/15/2022 10/28/2022 11/05/2022 11/27/2022 12/03/2022
12/10/2022 12/18/2022 12/24/2022 01/07/2023 01/28/2023 02/11/2023
02/18/2023 03/04/2023 03/11/2023 03/18/2023 03/25/2023 04/01/2023
04/08/2023 04/22/2023 04/29/2023 05/06/2023 05/13/2023 05/20/2023
05/27/2023 06/03/2023 06/10/2023 06/17/2023 06/24/2023 07/01/2023
07/08/2023 07/15/2023 09/02/2023 09/09/2023 09/16/2023 09/23/2023
10/07/2023 10/14/2023 11/04/2023 11/11/2023 11/25/2023 12/02/2023
12/09/2023 12/23/2023 12/30/2023 01/06/2024 01/12/2024 01/20/2024
01/27/2024 02/24/2024 03/02/2024 03/16/2024 03/23/2024 04/27/2024
05/04/2024 05/18/2024 05/25/2024
