Embracing Change: A Journey of Spiritual Renewal

A Journey of Spiritual Renewal

From now on, I believe it’s imperative to engage in weekly check-ins or frequent writings every month regarding my new spiritual journey. My life has been incredibly unstable, but there have been significant changes overall. It’s been nearly nine years since I started gradually abandoning my hedonistic lifestyle back in late 2015. I went from meeting random people weekly, to monthly, to none at all. However, occasional temptations still arise, spurred by the world’s isolation and frustration.

Strangely, setbacks seem to occur whenever I make a promise to God and then break it, followed by bouts of depression. Each time I repent and amend my lifestyle, order returns to my life. On every full moon day of the month, I make a new approach and renew my life plan with God. Currently, I find myself facing waves of setbacks and recurring depressions. Nightmares plague my nights. Next week, I have to speak with the social security office regarding their financial audit harassment, possibly due to student loan issues. I hope it’s nothing too severe.

Meanwhile, the window continues to leak, and the irresponsible housing management remains irresponsible. Credit card debt weighs heavily on me, and I have numerous assignments that need to be completed. Thanks to the compassion of many professors, I’ve been able to gradually catch up and keep some of my coding assignments on track. However, I will have to deal with the college theater again after spring break. I truly dislike this theater culture; it offers little beyond holding grades hostage and disrupting schedules. It’s seriously disorganized, with no one taking deadlines seriously, and no one communicates clearly about what’s needed until the last minute, often with subtle gaslighting undertones. There’s excessive talk and dressing up for superficial “professionalism,” followed by gaslighting each other for their own mismanagements. Initially, I felt guilty for not cooperating well, but I’ve come to realize the importance of standing up for my rights, striving to cooperate and comply with deadlines while avoiding becoming a victim of gaslighting. I’m earnestly trying to steer clear of this theater culture as much as possible so I can focus on building a solid programming career, free from composing for others or worrying about my audiences, and without being harassed by social security for the meager welfare check they provide.

Through past experiences, I’ve learned that the more setbacks I face, the more I need to ask myself what needs to change, and the more I need God rather than relying on any sham avant-gardes philosophies. I’ve learned a hard lesson: if I want to avoid homelessness indefinitely, I must never accept even a single penny from the Nouveau Riche/ New Rich. Rather than taking advices from the New Rich about the brand of shoes billionaires wear and what to say in front of the audiances, I’m interested in understanding what actions billionaires are willing to take to set themselves apart from the Nouveau Riche/ New Rich. Over the years, I’ve managed to overcome homelessness, substance abuse, and a hedonistic lifestyle, and my depression has significantly improved. I know God will always be there to help. This current depression feels all too familiar, with its coldness, loss of appetite, and overwhelming fear and uncertainty. But I also know it’s time to make a new covenant with God and steer my life in a more positive direction. This year will be a testament to overcoming hedonism and charting a worthy course for my life. I trust that God will guide me through!

Ongoing Data

Fear

Consequences of lusts:

bad Relationship

hospitalisation

homelessness

poor eyesight

fatigue

08/29/2015~12/22/2015 empty stomach,low motivation,bad luck

05/28/2016 bad grades, tooth problems, Money issue

10/2016 plans delayed, over slept, missing classes, guilt, lack of energy

11/5~11/8 2016 missing schools, tooth pain, sickness, low achievement

2016~2021 credit card issues more than 3 times

03~07 2020 stock loses, unemployment, sleeping disorder

02/2021 YouTube issue

03/2021 bad grades, attendances

2019 water pipe leaking   06/2020 liability bill  06/2021 liability bill

06/2021 unemployment letter job refusal responses

06/14/2021 liability bill negotiation

07/14~08/14 doubts, water bill settlements, money issue

08/14~08/21 low motivations, sleeping disorder, unproductive, full moon hurricane

08/26~08/28 felt exhausted, scam shipping text, missing dental appointment, delusional passengers on the train, music major delays, changing courses, sleeping disorder, stay overnight, woke up at 5:30 pm, overspending on food

09/01 missing classes, slept until 4 pm, sedation surgery insurance denied

09/02~09/03 missing classes, woke up at 10 pm, depression, back pain, fainted, bad eyesight, TV drama addictions, wasted money on food, overslept

09/04~09/11 burned by lusts

11/19~ 11/27 uncertainty, restlessness, tiresome, depressions, sorrows, drinking,

overslept, low productivity

01/01/2022~10/28/2022 Benefits from less hedonistic lifestyle, get in music program, more productive in art and music; whereas tiredness, doubts, depressions, setbacks, financial disruptions whenever hedonistic thoughts arise

(Hedonistic past, restrained hedonistic lifestyle from 2015~2020)

(New plan, hedonistic once every 2 weeks since 2020)

(Full celibacy scheduled from 12/18/2021 but failed)

(Renewal of new celibacy plan from 10/29/2022)

(Uncertainty of home fixing, business credit card, SSA issue, tooth, 11/05/2022)

11/19/2022 doubts, unproductive, procrastination, depression, but under control

11/26/2022 ~ 11/27/2022 unproductive, low motivation, depression

12/03/2022 unproductive, sleeping disorder, bad online social engagements waste money on food, low motivation

12/07/2022~12/10/2022 unproductive, window issues, smoke detectors issues, potential lawsuit

12/15/2022~12/18/2022 rainy, delayed fixing, heater problem, window fixing debate, benefit deduction, overslept, lack of reviewing for final exam

12/22~12/24/2022 delayed dental surgery, window issue, liability issue, heater issue

01/04~01/07/2023 financial aid, window issues, drinking, wasteful on food, exhaustion, window bills, anxiety, depressions

01/20~01/23/2023 overspending on food, window issues, financial aid issues

01/25~01/28/2023 overspending on food, oversleeping, anxiety, financial issues

02/04~02/11/2023 exhaustion, financial crisis, oversleeping, music listing issues, fatigue, pain around eyes, unproductive, credit card bills, financial aid, heat censor issue, sleeping disorder

02/18/2023 tooth issues, fatigue, oversleeping, overspending on food, lack of motivations, unproductive, jury serving conflict, window issues

02/25/2023 unstable, oversleeping, on the edge of addiction, uncertainty, overspending on food, unproductive

03/04/2023  dropping class, life crisis, low motivation, depressions, financial issues, overspending on food, oversleeping, room spinning, poor vision, most corrupted week of the year, web breaks, unproductive, failed window negotiations, doing bad on quiz

03/11/2023   low motivation, overspending on food, overeating, addicted to a game, spent 300$ on game then quit again twice during the weekends, bad relationship with housing board, window problem unsolved, ad manager disapproved, fatigue

03/18/2023  sleeping paralysis, financial problems, window issues, overspending on food, hookup temptation, low achievement

03/25/2023  sleeping disorder, overspending on game, financial issues, window issues, low motivation, extreme thoughts

04/01/2023   bad financial crisis, addicted to game, low achievement, potential lawsuit fees against HOA, sleeping disorder, pain around the eyes, fatigue, sleep during the day

04/08/2023  fatigue, window issue unsolved, financial issue, feeling sick, low motivation, bad eyesight, oversleeping, skin rash, sad dreams, eye pains

04/22/2023 oversleeping, nightmares, financial crisis, overspending on food, gaming addiction, dark fantasies, delusional

04/29/2023 impure video addiction, fatigue, poor eyesight, overspending on food, overspending on game, meeting rude people on the train may due to bad karma, unproductive, serious financial crisis, missing classes, sleeping disorder, tooth problems, credit cards over thousands, window leak issues still unsolved, all project delayed, erased game again to overcome gaming addiction, overspending on another game, repeated spending erasing games, got fraud withhold from iTunes store, ceiling damage from the rains

05/06/2023  credit card bills, plan postponed, gaming addiction, good fortune delayed, sleeping disorder, unproductive, drinking problem, fatigue, wasting money on food, wasting money on games, back pain, sleep paralysis, oversleeping

05/13/2023  financial issues, sleeping disorder, headache, fatigue, project delayed, fear, lack of motivations, didn’t finish assignments

05/20/2023  financial issues, food shortage, overspending on food, poor health, got denied by all programs, low motivations, pain around eyes, fatigue

05/27/2023  overspending on food, break food plan, high credit card bills, metro card broken, music distribution delayed, project delayed, piano audition postponed, low motivation, unproductive, oversleeping, additional assignment,

hard to breath, anxiety, eating bad food, being wasteful, fatigue, headache, poor eyesight

06/03/2023  Financial aid trouble, high bills, jury duty, fatigue, sleeping disorder, depressive dreams, headache, pain around the eyes, met ugly paranoid feminist on the train, metro card demagnetised again, overspending on food, overspending on game, impure video addiction, unstable thoughts, regret and repentance, fear of setbacks, unproductive

06/10/2023  Bursa collection, financial troubles, fatigue, low moral fantasies, unstable, oversleeping, headache, overspending on food, overspending on game, music upload failed

06/17/2023  Music delay, sleep until 4pm, sleeping disorder, fatigue, pain around the eyes, ate bad food, metro card problem, low motivation, got wrong food, overspending on food, wrong bus station, bad socialisations, nearly wasted a whole month doing nothing

06/24/2023  sleeping disorder, bill issue, high credit card bills, fatigue, prostrate pain, low motivation, low achievement

07/01/2023  wrong assignment bill, high credit card bill, tuition debts, anxiety, sleeping disorder

07/08/2023  wrong bill, financial aid issue, unstable, wasting money on food, anxiety, debts

07/15/2023  sleeping disorder watching Harry Potter, wasted whole month doing nothing, wasting money on food, debts, social anxiety, fatigue, wasting too much time on politics, wasting money on gaming, insurance filling delay, oversleeping

07/16~09/02/2023 stable but edging a lot, cannot concentrate when horny, flirting a lot, watching too much impure videos, sleeping disorder, financial issue, eating disorder

09/09/2023 unproductive, financial crisis, sleeping disorder

09/16/2023  fatigue, sleeping disorder, missing school, huge student loans, financial issues, overspending on food, depression, oversleeping

09/23/2023 fatigue, oversleeping, unproductive, lack of energy, poor eyesight, tooth issues, flavourless

10/07/2023  oversleeping, eye pain, fatigue, headache, low achievement, uncertainty, piano class issue, exhaustion, eyesight problem, pain around eyes, depressions, music stream issue, fear, breath problem

10/14/2023  slept till 6 pm, fatigue, guilt, unproductive, uncertainty

11/04/2023  bad grades, tooth pains, depression, water issues, financial crisis, social interaction issues

11/11/2023    sleeping disorder, eye pains, fatigue, overspending on food, bad relationship with professor, anxiety, anger, making bad plans, communication problems, missing class, delayed on quiz

11/25~11/27/2023 metro card demagnetised, financial issue, insurance issue, depression, anger, uncertainty, bad relation with professor, sleeping issue, tooth issue, fear, paranoia

12/02/2023 procrastinating, bad grades, bad planing, eye fatigue, sleeping disorder, overspending on food, financial crisis, project delays

12/09/2023 metro card demagnetised twice, financial crisis, sleeping disorder, eye pain, headache, instability, plan delayed, toothache, no heat, sleeping during the day, depression, slept till 4 pm

12/23/2023 overspending on food, insurance denied, financial crisis, sleeping the whole day, music issues, unproductive, procrastination, fear, anxiety, depressions, eye pain, headaches, uncertainty

12/30/2023 financial crisis, sleeping disorder, hedonistic, mood issues, unproductive, anxiety, music issues, impure addiction, lack of motivation, almost addicted to games

01/06/2024  argument with mom online, sleeping disorder, impure video addiction, overspending on food, financial crisis, unproductive, tooth issues, window bills, anxiety

01/12/2024  sleeping disorder, financial crisis, Visa crisis for mom, overspending on food, frustrations, impure video addictions, tooth issues, anxiety

01/20/2024  fatigue, overspending on food, oversleeping, tooth issues, financial issues

01/27/2024 oversleeping, overspending on food, financial crisis, unproductive, depression, argument with mom online, tooth issues, lack of motivations, sleeping disorders, anxiety, music issues, website issues

02/24/2024  sleeping disorder, unproductive, eyesight issues, coughing and sickness, financial issues, missing classes, missing assignments, cold sores, upper gum pain

03/02/2024  sleeping disorder, sickness, tooth pain, missing assignments, projects delay, eye pain, lost appetite, fatigue, coughing, financial issues, mom health issues, family issues, college direction, spent on gaming, homework delayed, new HOA assignments

03/16/2024   Homework delayed, project delayed, lack of motivation, financial problems, window issues, conflicts in school, failed midterm exam, coughing, music delay, food shortage

03/23/2024  overspending on food, toothache, tongue sore, sleeping disorder, doing bad on all midterms, missing homework, music delayed, missing project, anxiety, eyesight problems, fatigue, lack of motivation, confrontational and raising thoughts, window issue, extra housing bills, tongue pain, difficult eating

Sinful days: 02/19/2020 02/21/2020 08/01/2020 09/04/2020

10/01/2020 10/18/2020 11/10/2020 11/28/2020 12/28/2020 01/14/2021 02/02/2021 02/03/2021 02/05/2021 04/05/2021 04/16/2021 04/21/2021 04/23/2021 04/26/2021 05/30/2021 06/01/2021 06/06/2021 06/14/2021

06/19/2021  07/07/2021  07/14/2021  08/14/2021 08/21/2021 08/28/2021 09/04/2021  09/11/2021  11/19/2021   11/24/2021  11/25/2021  11/26/2021 11/27/2021    12/11/2021   12/18/2021  01/01/2022  01/08/2022 … many…

10/08/2022  10/15/2022  10/28/2022 11/05/2022  11/27/2022  12/03/2022

12/10/2022   12/18/2022  12/24/2022 01/07/2023  01/28/2023 02/11/2023

02/18/2023  03/04/2023 03/11/2023 03/18/2023  03/25/2023 04/01/2023

04/08/2023  04/22/2023 04/29/2023 05/06/2023 05/13/2023 05/20/2023

05/27/2023  06/03/2023 06/10/2023 06/17/2023   06/24/2023  07/01/2023

07/08/2023  07/15/2023  09/02/2023 09/09/2023 09/16/2023  09/23/2023

10/07/2023   10/14/2023  11/04/2023   11/11/2023   11/25/2023  12/02/2023

12/09/2023   12/23/2023  12/30/2023  01/06/2024 01/12/2024  01/20/2024

01/27/2024   02/24/2024  03/02/2024 03/16/2024 03/23/2024